Under The Dog

 I found this on the NWtekno.org message board posted by Dj Burnt(a pretty gosh darn good Drum and Bass/Hip-Hop Dj). I think this is a pretty good summation of the last year. Thanks again to Dj Burnt for putting tis together.

JANUARY:
Nancy Pelosi becomes female speaker of the house.
Bush announces “surge” policy.
Gays are allowed to marry in Switzerland.
New York and New Jersey stink like fucking crazy all day, prompting terrorism concerns.
Steve Jobs shows off his latest invention, the iPhone.
President Bush announces the plan for a troop “surge” to rectify problems in Iraq.
Bush also announces the end of the warrantless wiretapping program.
Germany demands the extradition of 13 CIA agents, over the illegal kidnapping of one of their citizens.

FEBRUARY:
North Korea promises to end nuclear weapons development by the end of the year.
Colts beat the Bears in teh Super Bowl.
Barack Obama announces his presidential bid.
Walter Reed ARMY Medical Center found to be in complete disarray.
General David Petraeus quietly replaces General George W Casey as director of operations in Iraq.
Casey had previously replaced General Ricardo Sanchez.
But the biggest news was that Paris Hilton totally like went to jail you guys!

MARCH:
Jessica Biel gets her boobs squeezed by Adam Sandler while he’s pretending to be gay with that guy from King of Queens.
Iran captures some British sailors who may or may not have strayed into Iranian territory.
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby is found guilty of 4 felony counts of perjury and obstruction of justice.
The US ARMY concedes that there may, in fact, be a civil war in Iraq.
New York City police shoot an unarmed black man celebrating his bachelor party outside of a strip club.
Veterinarians warn that pet food made in China is tainted with rat poison.
We later learn that the rat poison may also be in our toothpaste and children’s cough medicine.

APRIL:
Keven Federline kicks Britney Spears ass in custody court! He totally gets the kids.
Then we totally see her buh gyner on teh internet.
Iran releases those British sailors they detained.
Dow Jones hits a huge high.
The University of Florida Gators win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championships.
Some asshole shoots a bunch of students at Virginia Tech.
Iran announces the capability to produce nuclear fuel.
US troops are ordered to extend their tour of duty from 12 months to 15 months.
The White House “accidentally loses” thousands, if not millions, of emails.
Alberto Gonzales loses a case attempting to make one type of abortion illegal.
Toyota sells more cars than General Motors.

MAY:
Sarkozy replaces Chirac as French president.
Prince Harry has kicked butt in training, but will not be sent to Iraq.
Lindsay Lohan’s having a tough time in rehab.
Alberto Gonzales says “I don’t fuckin know” to Senators a whole lot.
Gordon Brown wins the election for Prime Minister.
President Bush vetoes a senate vote to tie a timetable to the Iraq War budget.
The US troop “surge” officially begins.

JUNE:
North Korea fires a janky nuclear missle at the Sea of Japan.
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby is sentenced to 30 months of prison, and 400 hours of community service.
President Bush reduces the sentence to a $250,000 fine.
Fatah-Hamas conflict - Palestinians decide to shoot each other this summer, rather than Israelis.
San Antonio Spurs defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers in just 4 games.
The CIA releases its “family jewels” document, revealing mafia collaboration,
and domestic spying practices.
Gordon Brown officially replaces Tony Blair as Prime Minister.
Two men attempt to blow up Glasgow International Airport.
The iPhone goes on sale in the US.
Michael Moore releases SiCKO.
President Bush vetoes a bill advocating stem cell research.
The Sopranos has their last show. Many fans are unhappy with the anticlimatic ending.

JULY:
Michael Vick arrested for participating in dog fighting.
The last Harry Potter book is released to millions of adoring fans.
Harry dies. Hermoine marries that ginger kid. And it turns out someone in the book is gay.
A snowman talks to Democratic presidential candidates via YouTube.
Dow Jones drops 300 points.
Rupert Murdoch offers to purchase Dow Jones.
Transformers and The Simpsons hit the big screen.
Stephen Colbert breaks his wrist.

AUGUST:
Mah burfday bitches!!!11
A freeway bridge in Minneapolis randomly crumbles, killing six.
US crude oil at an all time high, over $78 per barrel.
US Court of Appeals rules that insurers are not obligated to pay Katrina victims.
Arnold Schwarzenegger declares a state of emergency due to rampant California wildfires.
GOP presidential canidates debate for the first time.
Barry Bonds smashes the record for most career home runs.
In spite of global warming being, like, a total myth, a tornado touches down in Brooklyn.
Matell recalls over 18 million toys contaminated with lead paint.
A mine in Utah collapses - some of the miners are eventually left for dead.
US health officials warn Americans that their meat may be contaminated with E. Coli.
And also possibly their potato salad.
Larry Craig pleads guilty for having a “wide stance”.
Alberto Gonzales retires. Karl Rove retires. Tony Snow retires.

SEPTEMBER:
Iraq frees 6,000 Sunni insurgents.
Larry Craig decides to resign, following the scandal in a Minneapolis airport men’s room.
Wait no he doesn’t. Okay, yea he does. Well actually, never mind he doesn’t.
UK begins the first phase of major troop reduction and withdrawl from Iraq.
That guy who played Arnold on Law & Order decides to run for president.
Stocks plummet amid recession fears and a report showing a decline in the US workforce.
General Petraeus reports that the surge is working pretty well.
MoveOn taunts him in the New York Times the next day, calling him “General Betray Us”.
Russia conducts a successful test of a huge vacuum bomb.
Wildfires are still a huge problem in California.
Andrew Meyer shouts “Don’t taze me bro!” to police, after asking John Kerry some wild questions.
Kerry calmly responds to the young man’s question as police tackle and taze the student.
A couple days later, a cop in Warren, Ohio gets in trouble for tazing a woman in handcuffs.
Police in Myanmar shoot an unarmed Japanese reporter filming political riots.
Exiled former Pakistani Prime Ministers Naraz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto return to Pakistan.
Osama Bin Laden calls for the overthrow and jihad against Pakistani Prime Minister Pervez Musharraf.
(you’ll want to remember that one here in a minute…)
Canada’s dollar is stronger than America’s dollar.
Britney Spears totally sucks at the MTV Music Video Awards. Sarah Silverman picks on her kids.
Blackwater operatives shoot innocent civilians in the back while conducting a routine operation in Iraq.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visits New York. He assures us there are no gays in Iran.

OCTOBER:
President Bush vetoes free children’s healthcare.
The RIAA sues a Minnesota housewife for $220,000 for downloading MP3s.
Al Gore wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his work reporting on climate change.
France is at a standstill when their entire public transportation workforce strikes.
Crude oil hits another record high - $93.53 per barrel.
Suicide bombers in Pakistan kill 138 in an attempt to assassinate Benazir Bhutto.
California wildfires are STILL out of control. Bush orders FEMA to assist.
The Boston Red Sox win the World Series.

NOVEMBER:
Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff declares martial law, and surrounds the Supreme Court with tanks.
The Writers Guild of America goes on strike - expect a lot of reality tv and re-runs.
President Bush vetoes the Water Resource Bill, but Congress overrides his veto.
A giant Chinese/Korean boat smashes into the San Francisco Bay Bridge, spilling about 58,000 gallons of oil.
Barry Bonds found guilty of steroid use.
Japan re-starts the practice of whaling. That hot cheerleader from Heroes joins dozens in protest.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez opens the 2007 OPEC conference by warning US President Bush not to attack Iran.

DECEMBER:
President Bush once again vetoes a bill calling for free children’s healthcare.
A second assassination attempt against Pakistani Prime Minister candidate Benazir Bhutto is successful.
An unsuccessful attempt is also made against PM candidate Naraz Sharif.
“Al Qaeda” is said to be responsible, even though nobody attempts to kill Musharraf like Bin Laden told them to in September.
Employees of Kellogg-Brown & Root working in Iraq are charged with the kidnapping and gang rape of a 19 year old fellow employee.
No criminal charges can legally be pressed.
Turkey bombs Northern Iraq.
North Korea misses the deadline to cease development of nuclear weaponry. Nobody’s really surprised by that though.
A tiger escapes the San Francisco zoo on Christmas mauls three visitors, killing one.
Thanks to the tireless efforts of FOX News, America once again survives the War On Christmas.